Not living the dream(s)

I have 2 “dream lives” in my head and I live neither of them.

In one, I’m a dreamy hippie chick yogini with flowing skirts and Stevie Nicks hair and flowers and magic.  I go to pagan and faerie and hippie festivals in the woods.

In the other, I’m Cameron from Halt and Catch Fire, the fiery punk with a fuck you attitude.  I hang with anonymous and hack the system.

In both dreams, I write and I sing and I get to people emotionally like the writers and singers I love do to me.

I love gods & radicals so much because it’s like I can be both there – a hippie pagan radical anti-capitalist?  Awesome!

But in real life…

I overeat and sit at the computer and have health problems because of my weight.  I wear jeans and t-shirts because they’re comfortable.  I wear pajamas around the house.  I’m a geek and I never figured how that fits in with the hippie and the punk.  I go to comic con but feel too fat and lazy to dress up.  I love my husband, but he gets weird about money so I don’t spend it, especially not on myself, and he wouldn’t be comfortable in either the hippie or the punk worlds.  Or at least I don’t think so.

I love reading about magic and spirituality but rarely try to put it into practice and when I have tried to create and maintain a practice, I end up drifting away from it out of laziness.

I’m dying for a walk in the woods but I live in a desert city.

And I don’t write.  Because I don’t think I’m good enough.

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